I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
