so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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