U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Randomize
