Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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