Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I could have mohawked her pubes.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
