I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
