I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
