i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
