this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
