You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
