Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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