I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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