whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
