pop tarts are not kleenex
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
