I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize