you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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