dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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