i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
