i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize