I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize