The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
