u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
