You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
