I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
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