A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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