Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize