Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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