Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
the night ended with taco bell and tears
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
