genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
My dick has a subreddit
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
