I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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