I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
it was like eating out sand paper
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
