somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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