wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
