i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
She swung at the pinata with crutches
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
