You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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