this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
