cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
