last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
