if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
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