..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
