Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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