well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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