I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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