I like to think it a success when the cops are called
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
