if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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