Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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