god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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