Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
