By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
