I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
