the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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