i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize
