I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
