You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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