Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
