I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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