So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
