i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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