she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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