i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize