I could make wine with my vomit
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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