this beer tastes like vomit already
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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